An Important Tip to Become a Better Listener

There are times when you may be just talking to a friend and in chit chat mode when this can feel really fun, supportive and energizing.

And for me, for a long time, I liked when people did this because it deflected the attention away from me. I could share something but then quickly move on and not need to feel or go too deep.

As I started to do more healing work, I became more aware that what I really wanted was to feel heard and understood. Yes, it was always nice if someone could relate but it sometimes felt that they were projecting THEIR idea of the experience on me, rather than trying to understand MY experience. And often, it would shift the conversation to them and I'd end up feeling even more alone and unheard.

Now I'm more discerning about who I share those more vulnerable stories with. And interestingly, when someone does this (shares a relatable story), I'm able to listen to THEM. I don't feel so impacted by it.

But it's a good one to watch for, especially if you wish to be a safe person for people to share their heart with. I think that, generally speaking, most people want to feel heard even more than that someone can relate to them. Especially because no one can REALLY understand your unique experience without listening beyond their own "ideas" and own "similar" experience.

As with most everything, it's not black and white. For sure there are times when sharing your story is exactly what's needed. And, likely, times when you've felt like another person's story has really felt supportive and helpful. 

What seems to work best for me is to notice my intention (if I feel any urgency, I know it's my ego). And to allow a lot of space to listen first. There will always be time to share a relatable story (even another time or a later phone call). For me, it's not that I don't ever share the relatable story, I just try my very best to listen first. And I try to make sure I'm sharing because it - indeed - is in support of the other person, not just me wanting to "show" that I can relate.

What's your experience? Is this news for you? Are you working on it? Already an excellent listener?