You Have to Love Yourself to Love Another. Myth or Reality?

You’ve probably heard people say “you can only love others as much as you love yourself.”

Myth or reality?

I think it’s a myth.

I mean, you love your kids like crazy, right? And most people have been in loving romantic relationships and have loving, compassionate friendships.

So, nah, I don’t buy it…I think we can love others even when we don’t love ourselves.

But I also think it’s pretty unlikely you’ll be truly happy if you don’t love yourself.

“To me, it’s extremely unlikely that without the ability to love oneself a person can ever be happy. That is, what’s necessary and sufficient—not for loving another but for a state of inner contentment and well-being—is healthy self-love and acceptance.” ~ Leon F Seltzer Ph.D., Evolution of the Self

So, you love others – your kids, your partner, your family, and friends. But you still might feel like something is missing.

You’ll look like you have it all, but you might feel empty, or like a fraud, or somehow never enough – so you can’t internalize all of the goodness in your life.

Learning to unconditionally accept yourself is the key. If you were emotionally neglected as a child, or never accepted as you were – always expected to be better, smarter, quieter, more polite, calmer, happier, etc. – you weren’t unconditionally accepted.

It’s tough to make it through childhood and adolescence feeling fully accepted-–I haven’t met anyone yet who feels they were unconditionally accepted by their parents, siblings, peers, teachers, and others. Intentional or not, as we grow up, we become conditioned – and this conditioning layers upon us (false) beliefs about who we “should” be in order to be acceptable and lovable.

But there’s hope – you can totally give this to yourself. We can undo what’s been done to us.

• As you become more aware of the real you – the full you - you'll see all of yourself as you wish you were seen. Because we all need to feel seen.
• As you seek to understand why you do what you do and forgive yourself, you’ll understand yourself the way you longed for others to get you. Because we all need to feel understood.
• As you feel more compassion towards yourself instead of beating yourself up, you’ll realize you've always been enough. Because we all need to feel good enough.
• As you accept yourself – imperfections and all – you’ll love yourself as you deserved to be loved. Because we all need to feel acceptable and lovable.
• As you embrace all of yourself, you’ll find yourself not hiding parts of you that you think are “unacceptable.” The more you reveal who you are – and show up more fully in your life – the more you'll experience intimacy and closeness in your relationships..

So, if you're willing to do the work to fully accept and love yourself, there are other great rewards beyond being able to love others. 

• You’ll find the happiness you seek
• You’ll feel more present and less distracted
• You'll stop hustling for other people's love, approval, validation and attention
• You’ll feel closer and more authentically (and consistently) connected to your loved ones
• You’ll have an increased capacity to receive love - literally you will be able to hold onto the love others show towards you
• As you're more compassionate towards yourself, you’ll be less triggered, less reactive, and more patient.

Share in the comments, how does this land?